If it looks like bacon, but it’s not…

A few weeks ago, Tim fell victim to some digestive distress that we at first attributed to locally-produced bacon. You can imagine – unless perhaps you are vegetarian – how fulsome that distress and its broad implications truly was. On the bright side, the malady was later sourced to those luscious, plump-yoked duck eggs he had bought with such enthusiasm at the farmer’s market. Sadly, we buy them no more.

While we all can consume bacon with wild abandon again, the experience did get me thinking about turkey bacon. I was once a big fan of the famously lean other white meat but, some 20 years ago during pregnancy, which also made made weak at the sight of red meat and canned dog food, I ate some and swore to do so never again.

Still, with a slightly guilty conscience over eating such fatty goodness as nitrate-rich bacon, I decided today was the day to try turkey bacon again.

The sight of these uniformly fake-fat-streaked slices is a bit of a surprise when you first unwrap the package, which smells as much like bacon as a lighted match in a public bathroom smells like air freshener. While I usually cook real bacon without extra fat, I figured a drizzle of canola might be a good idea. It was. These peculiar planks only faintly sizzle when cooking, do not markedly change in shape or color, and exude none of the elixir that makes sautéed onions taste like candy.

Still, I remained optimistic. The lack of shrinkage was, after all, providing a bountiful yield. I dutifully cooked it all without sampling, think what a feast would we have at brunch, where the menu included blintzes topped with lingonberry preserves.

Graham picked up a slice and eyed it warily. “These look like Gimel’s snacks,” he observed, gamely taking a bite. It was one of those missed Kodak moments. After finally swallowing, he politely asked, “Would you mind if I don’t eat these?”

I did not mind. I ate a few dismal strips and Tim tried one. They now are exactly what Graham suggested: dog snacks. And to quote  Gimel, “Arrrrr-ump-arrr.”